i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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