haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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