How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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