We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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