I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
