p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
