he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just pee around me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
