upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
