Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
