duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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