be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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