so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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