Non-Jews are for practice
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
