Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
