I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
