I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
