she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
