her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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