I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize