Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
