did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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