Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
