real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
