After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
