whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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