New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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