We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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