Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
