im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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