I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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