My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
