I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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