my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
