This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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