You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
