If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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