Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
