They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
