9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My dick has a subreddit
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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