he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
