I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
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Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
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