Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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