I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
