here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
