i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
