what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
