i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i dont even know how to be here
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
