He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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