i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
