I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
