I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
