I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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