It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
