I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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