I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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