My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
