you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize