peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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