How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
