you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
