Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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