She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
