I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
