sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
